1.32 Fuetes
Okay, trivia question #152.
name the ballet in which the principal lead dancer,
female, does 32 fuetes.
i'm expecting an answer from you. i already know.
the answer. to the question.
2.Ahhhh
3.Alcoholor Comedy
My life was comedy.
quitting drinking was the easiest thing i've ever done.
i have never looked back.
i simply cannot understand why the hell i waited so long!
unmanageable life--what an emb
Sment! what a weakness.
what an ultimate lack of self-discipline.
what a loser. my parents never drank or smoked,
and i put them through hell. my poor parents.
i was such an ungrateful,
Spectful, selfish,
hormonal little teenager with a mouthy attitude
and sense of humour quite unlike my sister's.
i decided i didn't need to continue attending church with
my parents. i was
Hing for my 'individuality'. what an idiot.
I wanted attention.
i wanted everyone to think i was funny.
i wanted everyone to like me. i, i hated myself.
i was called bug eyes. i was called fish lips.
and, i was called modern dair
The grade 9 girls hated me.
they harassed me and beat me up.
i wonder if they're living exciting,
fulfilling loving lives.
i wonder if they're happy and healthy.
me and my best friend kar
Ad every line of every eddie murphy movie down.
'goonay goo goo' 'you can smell it' 'i'm a karate man.'
'karate man bruise on inside. just don't show othe we
S.' 'banana in the tailpipe.'
'babulay babulay bahaha. babulay babulay ba ha.'
you name it. i wanted to be eddie murphy.
Or, or robin williams. i wanted to be them.
i still am enraptured with comedians.
they must always be carefree and laughing
and playing jokes and having fun.
except for maybe richard lewis.
Lways says he can't get a date. betcha he can.
betcha he's really ticklish, like me.
tickled with life, tickled pink.
pink laaadies. black russians. iron butterflies.
Quitting drinking was the easiest thing i've ever done.
Quitting my comedic dreams was hard.
i can never look back on either.
4.Alcohol Is The Root
I know this is gonna sound...kinda bad,
but i really have to say,
and this is kinda what i believe,
alcohol is the root of all evil.
don't worry, it's just my opinion.
don't get so...defensive
N't look so..pissed off.
i'm not talking about you specifically.
i don't eve know you. i'm talking about my life.
on my 12th birthday at mary's house in lexington,
i had my first beer. i sp
Ost of it out.
her older sister's friend was feeding it to me in his truck,
in the driveway. he was 16.
oh, we were listening to foreigner,
and he was putting his fingers down my pants. i wa
Ing to be a grown up girl, drinking a beer.
well, i drank beer for 14 years.
you know, every bad thing
that has ever happened to me would not have occurred
if alcohol was not involved. the la
Ve boyfriends, out of my total ten,
would never even have started
if i hadn't been drunk as hell when i met him.
god, looking back i shake my head.
it's surprising isn't it？ i never could hol
Liquor. never once in my dri
Nking history did i not get fully pissed.
everytime. i have never, ever, been sober after two.
cheap date. the funnest date.
the loudest jokes, the potty mouth.
why, i remember this one ti
Anding behind the bar where the bartenders were workin',
and because i knew
that 2 photographers from national geographic were sittin'
at the bar, i was showing 'em my tricks.
'watch the c
An girl pick the pimento out of the olive with her tongue.'
yeah, always a barrel of laughs.
how could i be taken seriously i was drunk!
i don't know, i feel kinda weird. i feel kinda st
It's weird. i feel kinda stupid. it's weird.
i'm not necessarily bitter,
but i can't ever drink again, but i feel better,
i feel in control, i don't know how i ever drank.
i really don't k
Ow i drank all that time. i don't
Think that, uh, drinking is for everybody,
and i don't think not drinking's for everybody.
but i gotta say, sobriety makes hindsight beyond 20／20.
and i still think, and will always maintain,
Ol is the root of all evil.
5.All You Ever Do
All you ever do is complain
Some trivial event has you in agony again
Why stay so full of frustration
When all you need to do is change your situation
All you ever is whine
Don't tell it to me
You're wasting my time
How can you expect me to help？
When you cant even be bothered to help yourself
All you ever do is whimper
Change your mind theres nothing simpler
Why you just sit there i don't understand
You idiot your life's in your own hands!!
All you ever do is bitch
You think you're the only one？with an itch？
To get out of you're crazy life
That stabs your back like a knife
All you ever do is freak
About the small things, man your weak!
You've got to stop, your fuckin' moping
Stop sitting around your whole lifehoping
All you ever do is complain
Some trivial event has you in agony again
Why stay so full of frustration？
When all you need to do...is change your situation
6.Alphabet Poem
Anxiety
Breathless
Cunt
Damn
Excitement
Fucking
Goodness
Heaven
Interesting
Jitters
Kitten
Love
Mine
Never
Open
Pussy
Quite
Restless
Stay
This
Understanding
Vitality
Willing
Xcuses
Yes
Zany
7.Calling All
Calling all sexual predators!
calling all sexual predators!
come to canada and rape!
come to canada and rape!
three to fiiive, three to fiiive,
three to fiive, three to fiiiive.
if ya murde
D torture, and are due for the chair in yer own country,
come to canada! come to canada, we won't se ya back, eh？
we'll keep you here
cuz we don't think anyone should kill anyone, ever!
calli
L sexual predators!
calling all sexual predators!
come to canada, eh？？
8.Canadians
Jim carrey is a canadian
K.d lang is a canadian
Martin short is a canadian
Pierre trudeau is a canadian
Micheal j. fox is a canadian
Leslie neilson is a canadian
Shannon tweed is a canadian
M.a.c makeup is a canadian
Linda evangelista is a canadian
Neil young is a canadian
Bryan adams is a canadian
Sharon bruneau is a canadian
Wayne gretzkey is a canadian
Irving layton is a canadian
Fairuza balk is a canadian
Mike myers is a canadian
Yasmine ghauri is a canadian
Shalom harlow is a canadian
Dick assman is a canadian
Celine dion is a canadian
Sebastian fuck is a canadian
Guy lafleur is a canadian
Paul schafer is a canadian
Peter jennings is a canadian
Alex trebeck is a canadian
Monty hall is a canadian
Shania twain is a canadian
Rick moranis is a canadian
Keanu reeves is a canadian
Pamela anderson is a canadian
And me
And you
9.Dress
On the t.v. rosanne is all upset
because she has to go to some dumb party with dan
and she has absolutely nothing to wear
and dan isn't very sympathetic
and i feel bad for her cuz i feel the sam
About never having anything to wear
when you feel like you have to look nice.
i mean i have my favourite outfit consisting of my green
holly hobby dress with the pink buttons,
pink ballet tigh
D my docs and my hello kitty barretts..
more the arial ones,
but you can only let someone see you with a dress like
that around your neck - once.
10.Factory Hot Rod
You're a goddamn factory hot rod
Everything about you is premeditated
You're really loud and you're really fast
You're hung soo proud butwill ya last？
You think when they made you they broke the mold
You're like everybody else you gotta be told
I know that you'll never realize
That your unnecessary vanity is your demise
You are a goddamn factory hot rod
Everything about you is premeditated
You're so pretty you look like a girl!
You think you own the whole wide world
You could never own me, slick motha fucka
You're a stupid shit to think nobody can touch ya!
You are a goddamn factory hot rod
Everything about you is premeditated
You're really dumb and you're really fat
I guess no one ever really told you that!
I know in this town you think you're a rock star
Go to new york my friend you'll never get far
I know you'll never realize
That your unnecessary vanity is your demise
11.Gig Tits
Cursed nightmare
Beaming headlights
No help for them, no hope for them
Jumping, bouncing, black - eye giving
Not a sport
Supoort
Fuck all will assist my swollen, tender ouchy boobies？
Gig neck？ no!
Gig tits!!
12.Goodbye
Smoke another cigarette and think about what to do.
Don't think you're gonna like to hear this
But i'm not coming home to you.
I met my love in amsterdam
He says to say hello.
He wanted me to change all my plans
He begged me not to go.
I tried a dozen times to write you a note
And every time i called you
When you'd answer i just choked.
I sit in thei hotel room just down the street
I don't even go out afraid of who i'll meet.
Living in exile just like rusholie
Don't wanna see anyone, don't want you to see me.
Don't know what i'm waiting for
Gotta come and get my things.
You can keep all the furniture
I already mailed back the ring.
I met my love in amsterdam
He said to say hello
He wanted me to change all my plans
He begged me not to go.
As i smoke another cigarette
And think about what to do
I don't think you're gonna like to hear this
But i'm not comin' home to you
13.Half A Day A Week
I have found a lack of sympathy for my chemically dependent
brothers and sisters.
it disturbs me, my eye-rolling attitude.
i search through my studies of gods.
i search for the compassion wit
E, and i only have it half a day a week.
i try and i try and i try,
having myself crossed the fucking death junk line.
the forced cock, the backhand of love.
i know, i know, i know,
My shit clean, after all the shit i've seen,
if i can still fall in love,
if i can laugh my fool head off at my life,
and my hard, hard lessons, then why don't you,
you rich, thirty-five year ol
Kie fuck？ i want compassion for you,
but my friend i have none.
you bear your victimization like a cross.
a crutch. you're lazy. believe me.
believe you me. i can't now is that half day a
I'll make a search for compassion.
for you, poor you.
you fucking white millionaire.
my eyes are aching from roll.
14.I'm Yer Peer
I'm yer peer, don't cha get it？
I'm yer peer, or else forget it
I'm yer peer, won't take my clothes off for you
You got a soundcheck well, so do i
You say you wanna party but i don't get high
You try to cop a feel--don't even try
Let me explain it to ya dude, and i don't lie
I'm not tryin g to say i'm a good two-two
Don't think i wouldn't be ready for you
But load--ont's in an hour
Whatcha think i'm gonna do
Grab my tit one more time and i'm gonna beat on you
What's the matter, boy, ever met a girl who rocks
The girls you usually meet are quite an eager lot
Why can't you face the fact that i'm one of the boys
It's these others in the front row
For whom i save my toys
Not for you, or the crew
Or the fuckin' record dudes
Grab my tit one more time and i'm gonna beat on you
15.Infected Tattoo
Okay already i'm here to tell you i'm having yet
another shitty day. i swear,
sometimes my shitty days run into each other giving me
a shitty weeks.
i think i'm in the middle of a shitty month
Hat's shitty!
My goddamn arm is totally fucked up.
i want to cut it off at the elbow.
i don't know what the fucking problem is! i mean,
i'm a hygienic clean girl.
i smell good ya know... clean... squeaky! str
Ry glycerin scented soap everyday,
all over me everywhere,
come here... smell me. taste me.
good, hey？ okay, you can stop now
'cuz you're making me feel uncomfortable.
i hardly know you.
Anyways,
the point i'm making is i'm a well-bathed clean little girl,
so then... what the fuck is up with my arm？
it absolutely has devastated me. it grosses me out.
it hurts like a bastard, opp
To when i was having it done and it hurt like a bitch.
In the bible it says you're not supposed to mutilate or
decorate your body,
'cuz god will get really cheezed at you,
but that guy jesus died for are sins right？
so i figure when i get to heaven,
T before i have a drink with bob karsnarik and andrew wood,
i'll get an appointment with god and explain to him,
'i could wear long sleeve shirts and no one would see them!'
i hope he
For it. i bet krishna
and those dudes would let me hang out at their pad
if god was too bummed at me.
or i could just wait at the gates for my mom,
'cuz she'll outlive me, and then she could go
To him about me, kinda like she did
when i got suspended in grade 10 for smoking in the boys'
washroom and she had to schmooze the principal.
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, yet another shitty day.
sometimes i swear my shitty days run into each other,
giving me a shitty weeks.
i think i'm in the middle of a shitty month that's
shitty!
16.Insomnia
I have recently graduated from light sleeper to insomniac,
and quite frankly i find it startling. i lie there,
staring at the dark ceiling, and wait.
wait for sleep to smack me square in the ja
T is so slow in coming, like my precious lover thank god.
my neurotic brain races for hours about everything possible
but nothing in particular.
i then become greatly disturbed as i notice the
Time, and figure out the hours left before i must rise.
sometimes at this point,
i become panic-filled and toss and turn and huff and puff,
and of course, out of frustration my heart races, and
Naline begins its crawl through me, and i become upset.
because i'm incorrigible, as a spoiled child,
my sniffles and whines
and pouting wake my snoring lover on purpose,
so i may notify him o
Unhappy crank overtiredness,
and patiently as always he gently plays with me
until i finally fall fast asleep.
i have recently graduated from light sleeper to insomniac,
and quite frankly i fin
Startling.
17.Interruption
18.Intro
Spoken word.
Have ya heard？
What's it all mean？
What does it really mean？
What is it？
What exactly is it, is it poetry？
Is it prose？
What is it, rants and raves？
Some people want you to be...political.
And they want you to be pissed off.
They don't want you to try and be honest.
God forbid you try to be funny.
So, there's nothing more i can say,
except that, right now, wherever you are,
listening to this, i can guarantee you,
i'm probably, somewhere. else.
19.Isabelle
Me and nina were just kinda of walking around, you know？
it smelled like wet leaves,
felt like autumn, my favourite time of year.
even though it was january.
we went into this antique store.
S lost looking at all the lace pillowcases and selling the,
the pearl collars with my finger tips.
nina said that one was her favourite store ever!
she promised she would take me back there wh
Had money. we left and continued down the street.
when we first heard it：
a crying coming from a cardboard box.
i was getting goosebumps!
and i grabbed nina's hand you know me, i get all sap
D stuff like
when i watch those ryder institute commercials
and cry and then robin giggles at me cause i'm silly.
we peeked in the box and we were astounded!
orphan teddy bears! it seemed lik
Lions! but there were probably 5 or 6.
then we saw her--the bear in the red velvet dress.
she was crying cause it was crowded in the box.
i knew why--i could just tell that's all. i told nina
Ted this bear and nina was gi
Ggling.
i went in the shop that the box of bears was in front of
and asked the man if i could have her.
i paid him 3 dollars
and joined nina outside the store with my new treasure.
nina asked
Hat i was going to name it and i told her nina
that i wanted her to name the bear.
'isabelle' she said with a big smile--just like that.
by god she was right! it was the perfect name.
nina, is
E and i continued down the street and ate our cookies,
and giggled and squealed and kissed
until i had to catch the bus home.
i sat on the bus with isabelle on my lap contented.
i couldn't wai
Get home. me and nina had such a nice day.
the bus stopped at the next stop
and an old man with an unshaven face
and old hat covering his fuckin horns got on.
he stopped and looked at me in m
T.
'my god!!' he growled, 'a teddy bear, at your age!'
20.Metal Queen
metal queen i've never been
Or a punker chick
Often heard but never seen and dated mostly dicks
Angry white female's a term
You should say for your mothers
I'd be sleeping the whole tour
If i had my brothers
I don't party i'm not down with bull-shit anymore
Too many times i came to with the devil at my door
That great word 'alternative' applied in 1989
Now it's a cop-out catch phrase that covers us like grime
Music will be to you and me
Whatever it becomes
Sometimes makes us feel happy and
Sometimes makes us glum
The only thing i have to say and you may think it's bent
But it's all just about emotions up for entertainment
21.My Satan Poem
Satan shows up on tv every sunday morning
I would have kissed her once again
but i found her rather boring
To listen to his messages
Is like licking razor blades
Seems like every time
i play my hand shits commn' up in spades
My clothing's nothing buy miss~matched
As you can see i broke my arm
The fucker swore to take care of me
But he only brought me harm
The blueberries on my toast
Are red and stale and rotten
You ask me what all their names were
and its guaranteed i'd forgotten
If she could only anticipate the damage that's begun
I would have caught the flight with her
but i'm too tired to run
When you find my naked body
Please do heed my warning
Satan shows up on tv every sunday morning
22.No Me Drink
No me drink, no me a-smoke
On your hate everyday i choke
No me frown, no me smile
Yes emptiness is a style
No me kick, no me scream
In these lines you read between
No me hurt, no me hate
Anger always comes too late
No me strike, no me bite
Walk on lotus if i like
No me worry, no me wonder
In the midst of stress i'm under
No me lie, no me steal
Unenlightened sex appeal
No me drink, no me smoke
On your hate everyday i choke
23.Obsessed With Childhood
I have to tell you i am obsessed with my childhood.
i never pooped. i'm serious, i hated pooing,
i never did it. i refused to poo as child.
mostly, i couldn't. it wasn't meat loaf, it w
T chicken and rice,
it wasn't six hot-dogs at lunch with kraft dinner on top,
it wasn't sloppy joe's,
it wasn't inactivity, i just never ever pooped.
my parents had this house on milinocket
T that had a bathroom upstairs.
it had a door in the hallway
and a door in the master bedroom.
they used to close the hallway door,
open the bedroom door, sit me on the potty
and pull the t.v.
Here you know, so i'd sit and watch and wait.
i mean hours. i must have been rotting insdie1
it would be like a week in between. you know,
i discussed this at length with my mom, and she
Oncerned thinking she fed me too much meat and stuff.
but you know what i say,
my two sisters had no problem pooping,
and they ate the same suppers. it was just me.
i was sick as a child, i m
Was always sick.
If i fell off my bike and got a scrape,
it would be infected. when i had the chicken pox,
i was hospitalized because each pock was infected.
each one! in my eyelids, everywhere. the nurses
O dab each pock with a medicated cotton ball.
my dad used to take us camping,
and this one time i stepped on a dirty nail,
you know, like rusty, with my barefoot.
my whole hell became infected
Ghs).
it was hug! my heel was the size of a volleyball!
i had to go to the doctor and get it drained.
i was so ticklish all the time it took 5 or 6 doctors
and nurses to hold me down and then
Feeling of the lanced hell, and i was screaming.
my older sister was laughing her head off,
right there. i had scarletina this one time,
and was quarantined. i had a tonsillectomy. i even re
R one time in the hospital,
of course for you know the reason.
a nurse was trying to put a suppository in my rear end.
i was squirming and wrigglin' and gigglin'.
you know, cause i was get
Tickled. then i'd cry, c
Ause i was all tense, you know, and it hurt.
sooner or later,
i had to make a run for it to the bathroom.
boy, those nurses sure got mad at me for leavin' a trail.
someone's always mad, hey
U know, i took lots of things as a kid; ballet and jazz,
dance, soccer, piano. i was always in trouble,
always bein' a ham.
when i was 5 we were all on the stage with
these cardboard clocks l
You know, two feet across,
tied around us with string, like a sandwich board.
we were all moving our arms back
and forth, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock .
i was wearing red buckle shoes, t
Know. well, my string broke
and the clock fell off, night there on stage,
i just stood there, frozen, and bawling.
the teacher had to walk on to the stage and carry me off.
you know, i react
E same way when that stagedivin' crowd surfer kicked
my microphone into my teeth.
hey, the more things change.
i quit all of it eventually.
dance class cause i got lazy, soccer cause i grew
, and piano cause my teac
Her, mrs. davies,
got mad at me and called me a stupid girl
and banged my hands on the keys.
you know i was even a cheerleader.
hey, in grade 6 in kentucky it was a cool thing.
＆s-u-c-c-e-s-s
T's the way we spell success!'.
i can't believe it. (laughs)
＆v-i-c-t-o-r-y, victory, victory is our cry gotta go'.
that's how it went.
i don't really remember the hand movements. but
I was never one of the popular cheerleaders.
i remember this girl april was very popular,
and this other girl jennifer was very popular.
there were like, we were all in grade 6, but they had
E, bodies of 17year old people.
and, and hey looked like farrah fawcett,
you know all blond with feathered hair and endless teeth.
i didn't look like that.
i wonder if my dad wouldn't have
Us around so much, what if i woulda turn out different？
you know, normal？ or am i？
i, i'm obsessed with my childhood.
cause i dont' think i'm fully grown up. are you？
i mean really？ i
Inner child. i
Had to search for my inner adult.
and i'm still lookin'.
i still eat 6 hot dogs for lunch,
they're just vegetarian now.
24.Poem #357651
Second guessing count your blessings look
what i've become!
Sit and wallow thank god i swallow gosh what have i done？
Baby jane puttin' blame on every man she meets.
Stop being a victim, just delete them
and i mean toute suite!
Navy sweater, yup, he'll get her ar-ti-cul-a-tion.
Wanna see where she bit me in my curriculum？
Monkey business, not even christmas,
A fine how do you do.
Look here feller yer in these yeller
Can't get the monkey -- sue!
Muffins missin, i'm just kissin sweet potato man.
Don't look back faults yers heck!
Had no b or c plan.
Sit and wallow thank god you swallow, gosh what have you
Second guessing count your blessings look
what you've become.
25.Porno Brainwash
Pornography is healthy.
Pornography is healthy.
If you're healthy, pornography is healthy.
If you're not healthy, nothing is healthy.
If you're healthy, pornography is healthy.
If you're not healthy, nothing is healthy.
Pornography is healthy.
Pornography is healthy.
Pornography is healthy.
Pornography is healthy , pornography is healthy.
Pornography is healthy.
Pornography is healthy.
Pornography is healthy.
Pornography is healthy.
(laughs)
26.Rock Star Man
He phones to yak and wack wack wack, this irritating boy.
Step on a crack to break his back,
for he brings to me no joy.
He speaks too long i reply in tongues
He doesn't understand.
Can he not see i must be free, for me he's not the man？
Dissatisfied, i hear his lies and reply candidly,
'please, rock star man, change all your plans,
and please stop phoning me!'
27.Singin
Singing's a fine lively hood, the only one i got!
Struggled to make the rent sometimes,
Since termination of the day job.
Kinda weird my work day starts
when the sky is cool and black.
But i guess i should figure out on
what i should fall back.
I could take up auto-body and work in some guy's shop.
Fixin' bitchin hotrods,
I sure like cars a lot.
Perhaps i'll study law,
Be a public defender.
But i'll need a lot of maalox.
I couldn't take the pressure.
Would you like me for your vet？
Or your docter who examines you？
Lady luck i met.
So your ass should say phew!
But i'll just do what i do
Cuz i like it a whole lot.
Singin's a fine livelihood!
It's the only one i got
28.Snowboarding
This phallic snowboard beckons my sensuality
The silence of the snowfall is playing
with my concentration
These blasted goggles hinder the shading of this god
forsaken run
Whipper snappers whipping by
Shredding by
Carving through my heart
They flow as if on water
Gorgeous, delicious airs
My heart stops as the cartwheels commence
I soar
My eyes close
I taste the mountain
This glorious creation of heaven
My body is taut and ripe
I give myself wholly and completely to the earth
and snow and ice
It takes me
Harder than my favorite lover
And the mountain eats me alive
29.Stumpy The Mouse
I had cinderella complex with the boys,
And ballet class gave me some poise,
I've never ever lied to you or said anything that was untrue.
I constantly searched for one true god,
My icy gaze finally thawed.
I sit before you full of ome,
In my mouse infested home.
One morning i awoke for work,
Decided my roomate was a jerk.
He wanted to rid us of rodents,
On mouse traps--money he spent.
He placed them in the kitchen there,
Under the sink, behind the stairs.
I walked into the bath to do the washing thang
And from the kitchen i heard a klang.
I screaming mouse had caught his leg,
In a mouse trap on this day.
Squeaking, screaming wailing mouse
His rodent cries filled this house.
I started crying cuz,
I couldn't stand the roomate's extermination plan.
I ran to the kitchen in my towel,
With tear-stained cheeks, i was soaking his howls.
The little mouse dragged leg and trap,
Behind the stove i couldn't get at.
I froze and didn't' make a sound
He did the same so he couldn't be found.
But as soon as i did take a step,
He screamed and tried to drag his trap.
My bawling in the commotion woke,
My sleeping roomate he was choked.
I told him what was happening here,
And i couldn't hold back my tears.
I'll take care of it, he said with a smirk,
Now get going or you'll be late fer work.
He was right. i had to go.
And we couldn't help the mouse under the stove.
It was gas, attached to the wall,
When pulled the explosion would not be small.
All day at work i cried and felt bad,
And at my roomate i was mad.
I didn't mind the holes in our bread,
Or the mouse shit in my bed.
He wanted them out, he was in a flap,
He insisted on buying and setting the traps.
I was young and dumb and i said 'okay',
But i never thought i'd feel this way.
To hear the mouse scream is what killed me,
I felt like a hunter, a killing machine!
I couldn't believe i went along with the plan,
To get the pests and scorch the land.
I raced home from work really fast,
So i could help the little mouse at last.
My roomate was ontop of the stove,
Trying with a broom handle to knock the trap over.
I had the stove leaning forward,
But not too far--we'd blow up for sure!
Out slid the horrible mouse trap and question-
Nothing but a mouse foot left on.
He chewed his leg off - the little mouse!
And was limping around my fucking house.
I was horrified, i must admit.
Again i cried and felt like shit
I looked at my roomate and my temper snapped!
I put an end to the evil mousetraps.
'too fucking bad!' i had to say,
If yer inconvenienced living this way.
We'll keep bread and cereal in the fridge,
And on everything else, we'll have tight lids.
There's no way i could hurt another being,
Except a cockroach (cuz they have no feelings).
My roomate had to agree,
Cuz he saw how it all affected me.
From that day on our little house,
We shared with stumpy, our little pet mouse.
And stumpy had friends, lotsa them.
But i didn't care. i wouldn't give in!
I loved living in harmony,
With my roomate, his girlfriends, stumpy, and me.
30.T.v. Baby
I am a t.v. baby it's weird when you stop and
think about it.
'donna martin graduates! donna martin graduates!'
totally different head...nanoo nanoo.
reeaaaaaaar!! 911! i remember wa
G harvey corman the carol brunett show
from behind the couch where my parent sat.
i was supposed to be in bed.
once we were old enough to complain
and whine about hind？？？？？？？？？ every sunday ni
We had popcorn
and watched the muppet show in the living room.
you know, my t.v. is wortha a million dollars.
why i call it my 'million dollar t.v.'？
this is because when i was 20 ye
Ld i had a day job, a skateboard and a band.
but no savings account.
i couldn't ask my parents for money it wasn't an emergency.
my roomate told me to go to this certain
rent to own company.
Like 20 bucks a month for a t.v.! unreal!
so i went and picked out a cute 12 inch colour t.v.
and walked home with it that day.
i got a remote control unit, and i ordered cable.
life was ama
Before work in the morning i could watch the to
Day show i remember
when bryant announced to the viewing audience
that katie got caps on her teeth!
he busted her right on t.v.!
can you believe that？ after i came home from work,
i'd leave th
. off until i got into the kitchen,
made a cup of coffee or tea with like 4 sugars,
got my cigarettes; 100s matches;
wooden and took a seat in front of the television
and turned on some talk sho
This is the life! i used to think.
i didn't even own a bicycle or any transportation.
i got my skateboard deck out of the garbage
and got trucks and
Risers for free!
why one of the wheels was practically square!
i had tofu hot-dogs in the fridge ,
and milk and diet soda and that was it.
no new clothes just ratty t-shirts and jeans and stu
I had minimal shoes--no makeup but soap, and,
uh, no furniture.
but fuck! did i have a beautiful t.v.!
i'd watch it while i ate supper
and then 'till i left for band rehearsal.
after that, i
Ome late and go to sleep
cause i'd wake up at 7 to go to work.
this was my routine it was the greatest.
i was truly blessed with my little t.v. and adored it.
i put hello kitty stickers all o
T and the remote. it was beautiful.
i would get a bill in the mail every month.
i mostly paid them on time
cause i could go downtown to the rent to own store
and hand them my payment. how co
Ent! as the last 6 years went by,
my t.v. saw me through 7 apartments, 4 boyfriends, 2 bands,
1 job--my same job for 5 years and 10 tours--
and 1 fuckin' asshole at the credit bureau. here's wha
Pened：because even though i
Was often getting late on my payments.
this rent to own stuff was you know,
giving me, a credit
Rating. i started getting all
these credit card applications in the mail.
'what luck!' i got a visa card pronto.
i bought dickie's engineering overalls--
the first thing i bought.
Econd thing, of course, was some shoes.
the third, of course, was dinner for a boyfriend.
this is the life! then i got a bay card,
then i got a holt renfrew card.
i got a fuschia perry ellis,
Y sized duffel bag for touring.
i got elizabeth arden products for touring,
i got m.a.c makeup and lots of clothes for touring.
Then i went on tour! life on the road got good!
that van never smelled better!
then, while we were on tour in a strange city at soundcheck,
we get a phone call from the chick whose place we cr
At that she got broken into.
we went back there.
all that got stolen was my pink duffel bag with
all my new clothes and girly panties and shower gels
and you name it! everyone else had their
Rock bags and t-shirts and stuff left alone.
just me..the girl..the girl with the shiny pink bag.
the policeman at precinct 51 were awesome.
they made a report and i even got a real police s
They felt sorry for me
cause all i was left with was the dress on my back.
the other band we played with on the bill last night,
the singer, leslie
and the mary-anne lady who ran the bar donate
E dresses and panties and makeup and stuff.
i was glad it was me that was robbed
and not one of my band guys
i mean i still have my day-job and i still
had credit cards i'm glad the van wasn't
N. i mean, it was just me. i
Was bawling when i phoned my manager long-distance,
don't get me wrong! but i had to get over it quickly.
because i was my own tour manager so i couldn't be a baby.
i mean, i still had to get
L
Buy-out out of the club-owner that night. you know,
the show must go on! but my point is, everything i mean,
everything in that duffel bag
and the bag itself was a credit card purchase.
i figu
Was shown lessons. it gave me alot to think about.
by the time i got off the tour and luckily
Went back to my day-job, my bills were all piling up.
i couldn't keep up! my credit cards were all maxed.
and i had no cash. i couldn't even eat. i was fucked.
the credit guy called at my
And asked if i was stupid.
he said that him
and his cronies were going to wait for me at my house.
i Was crying and freaked out.
he was a legit bill collector too! phone to freak me out..
and he did! so i phoned home
and i figured out
i had to get my dad to co-sign a loan
so i could consolidat
Debts. bag itself was a credit card purchase.
i figured i was shown lessons.
it gave me alot to think about.
by the time i got off the tour
and luckily went back to my day-job, my bills were
Piling up.
i couldn't keep up!
my credit cards were all maxed. and i had no cash.
i couldn't even eat.
I was fucked.
the credit guy called at my work and asked if i was stupid.
he said that him
and his cronies were going to wait for me at my house.
i was crying and freaked out. he was a legit
Collector too! phone to freak me out..and he did!
so i phoned home and i figured out i had to
Get my dad to co-sign a loan
so i could consolidate my debts.
which brings me to my million dollar t.v. so my t.v.,
my beautiful t.v. was about 20 bucks a month.
i think it was about a 400 dol
.v. remember it was a 12 inch.
so, you'd think it would be paid off in about in less
than 2 years. here's the snag.
out of my 20 dollar month payment like a buck 50
would go to my actual purc
Can you believe that？ so even though over three years,
i paid like 700 bucks...it wasn't paid off. fuck me!
needles to say, my t.v.
was included in my bill consolidation.
that's when i dub
T
My million dollar t.v. i got rid of all those credit cards,
well, except for one for emergencies
and got rid of my bill collectors.
i have my own apartment now, lost my day job to touring.
i A stereo and a gt bmx and i go to the gym.
but more important than anything.
i have my t.v.--my
Million dollar t.v.
with the hello kitty stickers all over it..still have it!
i watch rosie, the x-files, baywatch,
sometimes i turn the telephone off
so i can watch the nanny! i don't have a
Ne except hmm..sunday night
when i watch the community cable channel for the italia t.v.
and soccer report.
or hockey night in canada
or cbc on saturday morning for 'fashion file'. t
S still really fun. i'm addicted, i guess.
life is still amazing.
and i still love my million dollar t.v.
and i truly, truly am a t.v. baby.
31.Test
Testing testing
that's my lip ring. testing testing
one, two, buckle my shoe poo poo pee doo
32.We're Assholes
Ask yourself if you're an asshole.
i'm not being mean or angry.
i'm simply asking a question.
i guarantee you won't think so.
do you do enough for others？ do you give of yoursel？
are you sel
？ each day, when you wake up,
do you smile and stretch and meet the day？
yeah right.
you whine about your job,
about your friends, about money.
do you want a new skateboard, a
New car, a new life？ are you a gossip？
do you talk about people you don't know and speak...
negatively？ it must be exhausting for you! poor you,
with your aprtment and your levis and your ex
Phoning and your bank lineups and nikes.
poor you had to pick up the cheque at that restaurant.
poor you and that grocery shopping.
poor you and your good health.
poor you and your place to
poor you. asshole.
33.You Got The Job
If smiling raver chubby girls with fragrant barretted
blond curls won't lead you to
Stray...you got the job
If you don't mind cigarette smoke or my addiction to diet
coke and sex night
And day...you got the job
If you promise not to make me cry and never ever tell a lie.
..when i'm on the
Road...you got the job
If you love me just for
who i am i'll love you back forever and, baby,
I'm sold...you got the job!
34.Zoinks!
Last summer in italy, a festival tour,
another band asked a milanese journalist what i was like.
unbeknownst to them, within earshot of my crew.
he says, 'oh you know, an angry white fema
Uot; what a cop-out! what a lazy answer. strangely,
everytime i ever was around any of these press dudes
i was in a very good mood.
being a ham, being comic. what gives？
no one who has no
N in my bed laming out with premature ejaculation,
or cheaters, has ever seen me angry.
ask my last fianc？why i put a knife to his throat.
that was anger. you people haven't seen it. you t
This is anger？ this is mild annoyance.
and even if i was angry right this very minute, so what？
i should be angry, and so should you.
the world is thoroughly fucked. seriously, look around
A 6 foot tall anorexic woman with plastic breasts is making
me feel weird about my own body.
what's up with that？ seriously,
we're not completely stupid. are we？
i mean, i know this sounds
Some bitchy rant, but i really feel w
E gotta address this. i believe in healthy mind,
healthy body. i believe in fitness,
and in wholesome food.
i believe in makeup for those who choose.
i understand that essentially, body shap
Fashion and trend of the era and trend of the region.
i understand marilyn monroe was a size 16 dress
and no one can deny mae west was full of sex appeal.
back then the
Skinny girls were kinda rackety, and not voluptuous enough. i
mean, logistically materialistic shallow modern-day society,
well, i, i used to think
it was an intelligence quotient kinda thing.
Ously, or, or a maturity issue.
is it truly personal priority,
or is it a hard of cows thing？ you know, like
We're all stupid shallow conformists with a low enough
iq to accept being shown and
told the standard of beauty and blindly following it.
there's a lack of individualism and spirituality. can
Otee of krishna wear mascara？
can a buddhist stain their lips？
it would not matter at all, would it？
what insecure egomaniacs we all.
what is truly important in life？
health, happiness, may
T even happiness. certainly not beauty.
and then, on top of all of this, there is,
mainstream media, and the entertainment industry.
zoinks! i'm fucked.
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